Many of us in Oswego, Aurora, Plainfield and Naperville (IL) can probably agree that many modern habitats are better than those of distant generations dating all the way back to early Homo sapiens.
Unlike our faraway ancestors facing frequent life-threatening conditions, many of us have secure, comfortable, temperature-controlled dwellings with a safe, steady water supply, as well as convenient access to food acquired for us.
But what about our human emotions today – do they change or stay the same through time? Thinkers from ancient Greek philosophers to modern naturalists such as Charles Darwin have pondered the shape and role of our feelings as we keep evolving.
Long ago, core emotions such as love and fear would have typically served our survival among rugged circumstances. Other emotions such as guilt, pride and joy have become more refined as societies and communities have further developed.
We've made great strides in adapting and expanding our emotions to our macro-level variables. On the micro level today, however, our feelings can still be complexly nuanced, especially in our primary relationships.
Reactive defensiveness may have once helped to ward off existential danger. Between current-day intimate partners, however, such responses can imperil relationships. Refusing to be emotionally vulnerable can remove instead of preserve the intimacy we truly desire for comfort and safety.
As we seek peace and fulfillment with our partner, we will all benefit when we understand and practice healthy vulnerability expressed through constructive communication.
Enduring, healthy unions operate in a context where each partner can perceive the other's accountability, vulnerability and empathy in the relationship.
As we help our Oswego, Aurora, Plainfield and Naperville clients strengthen their bonds at Empowered Life Therapy, we can often identify how communication may complicate such vital perceptions. Let's face it: Few of us like to be confronted or corrected about our words or behavior by another person, especially someone close to us.
Many of us are hard-wired to be defensive: It is instinctive. When words and feelings can be as purposely aimed as primal spears, the matter becomes only more complicated.
If our partner approaches us with statements about their emotions, we can easily sense an attack. Plus, if we drop our defense and let ourselves be vulnerable in the face of it, we risk being exposed as wrong or unaware. That in turn can create pain within ourselves.
We must be vulnerable to achieve comfort and trust in our relationship, but we may also be compelled to stand our ground regardless of the situation. A dilemma quickly arises: We cannot be defensive and vulnerable at the same time.
If we're being defensive, we are not vulnerable. If we're not vulnerable, we can't take accountability for how we may have hurt or wronged our partner. If we have no accountability, we won't have the empathy to consider our partner's experience.
Within our clinical practice, we might see a client's lack of awareness that they exhibit defensive reactions. To better see the relational road blocks we're building, we need to recognize our defensiveness signs:
feeling we're being attacked
deflecting the conversation from ourselves to our partner's flaws or mistakes
holding fast to our intentions rather than owning the impact of our words or behavior
asserting a stance of superiority or righteousness
producing excuses that mask underlying reasons or causes for what we say or do
trying to steer the other person to our point of view
assuming the other person "just needs to get it"
waiting to speak rather than listening to understand
Any one of these forms of defense can crumble communication, thereby keeping connection broken and positive change further from reach.
What we might also not recognize is how our emotional defensiveness can continue to program our nervous system to automatically react to confrontation.
Being vulnerable as a human is already often a challenge. The hurdle can get higher among those who face the brunt of oppressive systems, experiencing extra pressures of meeting survival needs under western imperialism.
Being vulnerable means being willing to be ignored or rejected or to not succeed at something attempted. As they seek equal social equality and inclusion, many people in underserved communities today can still be pursuing a sense of safety within the macro level. How then can they feel secure being vulnerable at the micro level?
This presents a context in which the more that Black, Hispanic, Asian, Native American and multiracial groups, as well as individuals across Africana, Latina, Asian and Native American Diaspora communities, are accepted and welcomed for who they are, the further they also can move toward a felt sense of self-realization and comfortable vulnerability in (micro) relationships. That safety in emotional intimacy can then radiate back out to reinforce the macro spheres that all of us share.
To decrease our defensiveness, we can focus on being mindful and self-aware of when we are:
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To increase our vulnerability, we can concentrate on:
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At Empowered Life Therapy, we support couples with adaptive tools and skills for encouraging and refining their relational vulnerability. Just a few examples might be grounding and breathing exercises, forms of meditation and creating healthy internal and external boundaries.
We might also engage couples in communication exercises that support clarity, reduce assumptions and lower defenses. Partners can practice listening to understand without interrupting or overriding what the other is saying. As they listen, they also learn to receive and assess feedback in fair and even exchanges.
Another activity involves how to repair after a fight or regrettable incident. With their therapist, they work through the five central steps of healing, learning and growth after a conflict:
1. Sharing feelings openly without saying why they were felt and without commentary from the other partner
2. Describing their "reality" in the conflict and having at least part of it summarized and validated by the other partner
3. Expressing any underlying triggers and causes of them that may have helped to escalate the conflict
4. Accepting responsibility in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident
5. Building a mutual plan to make a similar situation better should it happen again
Through such therapeutic participation, partners can enhance their common empathy and accountability that solve problems while liberating affection. Their resulting greater intimacy then nourishes growing love, acceptance and curiosity between them.
While we support emotional vulnerability, we also emphasize with our clients that it should not compromise their well-being.
There are and will be cases where lowering defenses is not advised, particularly if a client is in an abusive or manipulative situation or is being oppressed because of their identity.
Vulnerability should contribute to relational health and never be subjected to victimization.
Empowered Life Therapy believes in living as the authentic self in emotional safety and strength. If you would like to further discuss how therapy can contribute to your quality of life and relationship, we welcome you. Simply contact us at (630) 842-6585 to discuss our therapeutic support for couples and individuals in Oswego, Aurora, Plainfield and Naperville (IL).
When Pleasing People Works Against Us
Embracing the Safe Zone of Intimate Relationships
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